Living In Fear of Loss

Grief has taught me a thing or two about living with loss. It takes many forms and appears in unexpected ways that sometimes feel the same as the death of a loved one.

I’ve been experiencing this kind of grief since the supreme court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. This may seem odd coming from a gay man, but I’ve been depressed since I heard. I not only feel hopelessly sad for women who’ve lost the legal right to control their own bodies, but selfishly, I’m heartbroken because a few of my own rights will probably be taken away soon.

Watching the news, familiar talking heads tell me that it’s only a matter of time before contraception, gay marriage, and even what I do in the privacy of my bedroom will be illegal. I find myself simultaneously trying to deny these realities and suddenly having trouble catching my breath.

I wasn’t sure why at first until I figured out that, for the first time in my life, I’m living in fear. I’m terrified that my four-year marriage to the husband I loved for twenty-two years will be as if it never was and that Marty and I will never be able to marry. I’m grieving the possibility of these losses.

Even more disturbing and sinister, I’m beginning to fear the loss of safety. I used to live in a world where I could go out my door in the company of the man I loved and not worry about being in danger simply because of who we were. I’m haunted by scenarios where Marty and I are harassed by someone who feels emboldened by the latest supreme court decision when we’re out shopping or having dinner at a local restaurant.

Why am I panicking? I wonder. Nothing has actually happened yet. But then I have to ask myself, why am I still afraid?

16 thoughts on “Living In Fear of Loss”

  1. We’re finding this all quite strange, watching from the UK. Abortion and same sex marriage just aren’t political issues here: a few individual politicians may oppose them on religious grounds, but all the main parties officially support them, and so do the vast majority of the general public. I’m so sorry that it’s causing you anxiety.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It goes back to Britain in the 17th century, including the right to be armed which was originally intend to enable people to shoot any French invaders trying to restore the Jacobites, but we seem to have got past it …. hopefully American will too, in time.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Why are you panicking?
    Because what starts as a loss of rights can end in a holocaust…

    I am saddened and depressed at the thought of all the lives this kind of lunacy will harm, and terrified that this reactionary mindset will creep across the border to Canada.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I hope Ican help provide you with reassurances and hugs – you are not alone and never will be while I am around. Please remember that I do love and appreciate you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hate to say this but I think your fear is warranted and I’ve been feeling the same way. My bestie is a gay man and after he heard about Roe he thought the same thing as you did. I’m petrified for myself and for my loved ones who all fall under these categories of marginality. However, I think there are SO many human beings in this country who are good and who have hearts and who are kind. And I think whatever happens (it’s gonna be bad I think), there is power in likeminded people and we all just have to look out for one another. I got your back and I know many have mine, so it will be ok. I’m living one day at a time right now. Hugs to you 💖💖💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much for reminding me that I not only have friends and family for support and protection but allies I don’t even know. Hopefully, all those living marginally can say the same. Hugs.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. As one who follows news and politics very closely about the US. I fully understand your fears. Heck, I’m Canadian and always fear the crazy stuff going on south of the border because it somehow always finds a way to seep through ours. I’m appalled at old white cult men ruling on women’s bodies, and if I were gay, I’d be plenty worried, especially if you would be living in Florida. People should wake up and realize democracy is on a fine line and vote blue no matter who to turn America back into the beacon it used to be known for. Godspeed! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s truly frightening. I constantly feel the need to be vigilant and do what little I can to help maintain the precious gift that is democracy. Here’s hoping that this crazy stuff doesn’t seep over to your beautiful country.

      Liked by 2 people

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